Don't Be Afraid of Tomorrow
by tarballGZ
Summary: What if Yukio chose to be honest about what he felt? If one day he decided to look in front of a mirror and sort his emotions out on his own?


**I don't own Blue Exorcist.**

* * *

I don't like talking about this. There's nothing wrong with me.

*Sigh*

_When I was a little kid, I was weak and cowardly. I cried a lot, I couldn't defend myself, and I could see scary things that no one else could. *haha* I was always depending on my brother to save me and fight off the bullies. But only the physical ones. He couldn't see the scary things. Still…I depended on him. I admired him. I wanted to be like him._

_Yet the continuous torment from the unseen monsters... the demons. I had no protection from that. That's why I became very, very afraid of them._

_My own cowardice is I've been ashamed of, deep down. That's why I wanted to be stronger. That's the main reason that when father offered me the chance to learn to fight demons, I took it._

_I tried my hardest._

_How many hours a day did I train?_

_Despite that, how easily was I outshined by that Shura woman who father was training? _

"She doesn't even act serious and she makes those of us who are trying look like fools"

_I was told that I had to hide everything from my brother. _

I was about 8 or 9 when father told me who….or what my brother was.

"Nii-san's…. A demon?! The same as those things?! N-No way…"

I heard from father that he was the son of Satan. The reason he didn't surface any of the traits, the teeth, ears, and tail of a possessed man, was that his powers were sealed. He was the only one that inherited power. I didn't have any power myself. I had been underweight and unable to bear the power, so I had remained a normal human.

Thinking about it now, as a teenager, is there some part of me that was jealous of him? A part that regrets not being born as a demon? Sometimes I wonder…do I regret that about myself? It's just another reason I'm the weak one.

That's not true. I never want to become Satan's child. I never did back then, and I don't now.

I panicked. I cried. After that, father told me that he was still my brother.

_That's right. He's still the brother who protected me as best he could. I could learn to accept even the demonic part of him. Because I admired him. He wasn't like those monsters that I was training to kill._

_I think I could only tell myself most of these things because his power was still sealed in the Koumaken._

_It was maybe 10? 11? At that age, I began to grow jealous of him. No, not of his power, __I believe__. I kept up appearances, so our relationship was still friendly. _

"I'm studying to be a doctor"

_Since my brother's powers were still sleeping. I was jealous of the way he got to live so normally. He was a normal person, ignorant of demons, and not taking exorcist training, but he still had such a strong, confident personality. When I had to train and try so hard just to match him._

I was 13 when I got my qualifications as an exorcist. They called me the youngest in history… a genius. _Well, of course I would be the youngest…most exorcists don't start training when they're 7 years old. I started early. I don't pay any attention to it, I think it's an empty, mocking compliment. A real genius wouldn't have to try so hard._

I met Shiemi, the daughter of the woman who ran the exorcism shop. I helped her study since she was taking some long-distance courses._ I think I started to like her. I felt like I could relax around her. I still feel that way._

A little after that… I confronted father. About why we were raised. _It really….bothers me. So much. It bothers me. There is no reason we should have been allowed to live. By all rights, we should be dead. We should have been killed at birth…_

"Why does Sir Pheles tolerate our continued existence?!"

"Someday you'll understand" Father told me.

_I want to trust him. I did back then. I hope I still can. But he's dead, and I still don't have the answer._

_I haven't found anything. On the net. I've investigated. Numerous times. Why were we spared?_

_I started to suppress my emotions at that point. I started to delve more and more into my work as an exorcist. I began to smile. As I hid it from my brother._

I smiled at my brother, and acted out the soft-spoken, quiet persona that was no longer the true me.

Then my brother awakened. He has been using his powers, while I was the one watching out for him, and guarding him against the people plotting around him. Sir Pheles is plotting something. This weighs down on me.

"If father had a weakness, it was you. Just die, please." _There was some definite grief in those words, and discomfort. I may not blame him for Father's death any more…but this sourness…It's unlike me to let what's bottled up in me escape to the surface._

_I've become more and more frustrated. Ever since my brother awakened I've been feeling more and more frustrated! With both him and myself! I'm worried about what's going to happen to him! He doesn't take it seriously! This weighs down on me._

But I'm not the type to say any of this out loud. I have to keep up appearances.

His behavior is an annoyance. He's so simple-minded. He can't think.

While I've been worrying about all of this…_that_ happened.

Toudou.

_To become strong, I had been suppressing my own fear and my own weakness. _

I am strong. And I am calm. Toudou is despicable, and I want to kill him.

_That man brought all of it to the surface again. The quality that brother and father had….I lack. I'm a coward. They're not cowards. They're just naturally….strong. Good people. The people around Nii-san have already begun to accept him and for nothing I've done…! This weighs down on me._

_They're like that and I'm a person who thinks like this. What am I, compared to them?_

_At the same time…Something demonic happened to my eyes. Of that I am sure. It wasn't a hallucination. And it has been eating away at me._

There's nothing wrong with me. I'm fine. I can't accept Nii-san's flames because they're dangerous. He could be dangerous. But that's all.

_I need to know. What am I? Am I Satan's son like nii-san? I don't understand. Do I have demon blood in me or not?! I underwent tests, as normal. These tests say I'm still human._

_On top of that…the Morianas contract. The Vatican. They're watching me. They've marked me._

_I fear for my life. I am doomed if I become a demon. _I'd go crazy if I had those powers!_ Because it's the power of demons. _

_This weighs down on me more than anything else._


End file.
